Too Many Lists

I like to do things. I'm the type of person that creates and accomplishes a to-do list solely so I can cross tasks off and have a visible, tangible reminder of what I have done. I have a planner because it makes me feel organized. I have a file box for warranties and car registration and stuff like that because mom told me to. (And if I didn't, all that important paperwork would get lost!). I create color-coordinated schedules for school days, even if I rarely follow them. All this 'organization' is for the mere purpose of making me feel like a diligent, organzied, and studious person, when, in fact I am just the opposite: I procrastinate, I'm always looking for things because of the chaotic state of my room, and I would much rather watch Beverly Hills 90210 than do Economics homework. May I have points for honesty?

I would also rather say, "I am glorifying God," than, "I am loving God." While it is by no means wrong to desire to glorify God, I had it pointed out to me that it's my way of saying, "I like to do things so I can be better loved by God." The desire to be righteous in order to better my standing with God sneaks in all too frequently. Too often I find myself masking my self-righteousness and desire for self-sufficiency with the desire to bring glory to God. The only problem is I can't 'bring' anything, but what He has already given me.

In light of all this, I am asking God for the ability to love. Again, this poses the danger of becoming yet another to-do that I check off my "Ways to be Righteous" list, but that is why I am praying for love. Not that I may have such-and-such an attitude to accomplish this-and-that task, but that I may love. From love stems the desire to bring pleasure to the object of that love.

The line, "love don't come easy," from the Supremes' "Can't Hurry Love" is currently stuck on repeat in my mind. (My Pandora station is rigged, the song has already played twice in two hours.) Am I supposed to fight to love God? John Piper wrote, " Most fighting is not good because it is a proud attempt to prove our own strength at someone else's expense. But the fight for joy is just the opposite. It's a way of saying that we are weak and desperately in need the mercy of God." My fight for joy also encompasses my fight for love. Or maybe it's the other way around? Either way, I cannot take joy in someone I do not love, and I cannot love someone without joy. Therefore, I pursue joy and love, and joy in loving, and loving joy in Christ.

None of this pursuit is accomplished by my ability. Everything I have and can give has already been given to me. I can only love because I was loved first, I can only be joyful because Christ loves and takes delight in me. So as I pursue these, it is only by Christ's might. "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." (Romans 9:16) By God's mercy, I have already been given all I need: life. Through His mercy, I can pursue this gift with all joy and participate in it with all joy. And because of His mercy, I hope to learn to love.