Tonight I thought a lot about tomatoes. Tomatoes.

I was making the salad tonight, pretty much like any other night. First of all, let me just make it clear how happy I am 'salad' no longer means iceberg lettuce,watery tomatoes and weird croutons drowning in honey mustard just to make it taste. Other than that, there's nothing much exciting about making salad. There I was, cutting up cherry tomatoes and musing over what generally disagreeable things they were. To start, the tomato plants harbor the mother of all Godzilla-like spiders. This alone is enough to persuade me to relinquish tomatoes. And then they taste weird. In spite of all these detractors, God could have made every single tomato the same shade of red.

Really.

If you stop to think about it, there's no reason for tomatoes to be anything other than red. There's no reason for them to have color at all. But as I cut them up and tossed them on the salad, I couldn't help but thank God for color. For the tiny jewels bleeding saffron and the ruby-red half moons cresting over the tops of the romaine leafs, for the sunset coloring that pervaded a dingy cutting board, making it beautiful.

I'm still wondering why I thought so much about a fruit I don't even like.

"Count your blessings" goes the old saying.

Some days blessings are brilliant neon signs in the middle of your life. Most days, though, they're brilliant and tiny tomatoes causing me to give thanks.

Coffee and Cinnamon Rolls

As much as I abhor airports, I've found some of my best memories are made in them. Saturday morning all of the staff packed up in the vans one last time to head off to Philadelphia International Airport and then home. For the most part I held up some sense of put-togetherness on the 45 min. trip there, and then promptly began to lose it as we pulled up to the terminals. 2 hours of sleep were a lovely thing to blame for the absolute puddle of tears I became, but in all truth I had just been hit with the realization of how much everyone I was saying goodbye to had become a part of my life. Goodbyes are messy and wet and mostly incoherent (at least on my part) when exchanged between dear friends. In the midst of all the hugging and sobbing, though, there was something beautiful. As cheesy as it may sound, our summer ending and all the heart-wrenching goodbyes it entailed was the result of a love that goes beyond understanding.

It would make sense that in over the course of 8 weeks, spending 24/7 with each other and sharing almost everything, people would come together. It just happens naturally. What made the difference, though, was that these people were "the excellent ones" (Ps. 16:3) who were made that way by Christ because it delighted Him to do so. Every Sunday night at t-time (a time where students are able to chill and consume copious amounts of Cheez-Its while debriefing the day), I told my girls that. I followed with the challenge to treat those around them as excellent and to delight in them as Christ did- because the knowledge of Christ choosing to make us excellent beings and to delight in us in order to please Himself should so thrill and draw our souls to loving Him that all our love spills over on to others. Here then, I find the love that passes understanding. Christ's love was filling each of us as staff, and so was poured out among our team. We loved each other with a love not our own as we saw Christ being manifested in each other.

I come back to goodbyes. Several hours after the team had divided among numerous airlines and had been separated by the 'wailing wall'( as Lydia aptly dubbed the obnoxious glass wall between us and security), Lydia and I sat in the Phoenix airport waiting for her flight. We had come off our first flight exhausted and eager for coffee. Cinnabon was the closest thing to her gate, so she came up to me as I stood with our bags and said "Let's have coffee and cinnamon rolls." Those 15 minutes in that dingy airport with mediocre coffee hold one of my favorite memories of the summer: to sit with one of my dearest friends and share the joy of completing a good summer- fully knowing its goodness and simultaneously its time to end- was total joy and satisfaction. Even in saying goodbye and joking about joining her in Idaho just so I wouldn't have to do that anymore, it was wonderful to know our relationship went beyond camp and summer and distance.

So here I sit in my bed with my cat, happy and content. Being home is good. Hopefully over the next couple weeks I'll be able to share some of my stories and thoughts from the summer, but for now- bed, because sleep is also good. Very good.

Staff Training: WVA 2011

I'm riding once again in a Worldview 15 passenger van, traveling through Kansas. I'm not sure what number state this is. :)

Staff training finished up not even an hour ago. I'm pretty sure we all just stepped off the plane into Tulsa and into so many loving arms. "Surreal" is how I would describe the week. Training was held on the Oklahoma Weslyan campus ,where my team had spent 2 weeks the previous year. I kept expecting to see their faces or hear their laughs as I passed certain spots, jerking quickly back to the present. I realized I was transferring the relationships from the end of last summer and expecting them to materialize among 18 strangers. A friend told me I couldn't re-create what I had never created in the first place. So over games resulting in multiple bruises, lots of cafeteria food (for me this was a steady diet of yogurt and granola, waffles, pb&j, soft serve ice cream and salad), and rolling numerous t-shirts, our team has started to come together. We also discovered a mutual love of good, strong, black coffee and are so equipped with 2 drip coffee filters and 1 french press.

A lot of logistics were discussed, from setting up banners and small groups to skits and opening day procedures. A morning Bible study held by one of the camp directors explored the theme of mercy throughout the Psalms. My mindset coming into training wasn't really one of dependence on God- I was so excited to be at camp and wrapped up in doing a 'good job' I lost some of my reasons for being there. I was hit soundly over the back of the head within these Psalms, facing God- whose power and might and justice should terrify us- and realizing my absolute helplessness before Him. But (and this is a wonderful thing) His steadfast love and faithfulness precede Him. And God keeps the promises He makes, not because any of our actions merit it, but because He is God and completely faithful to His word. We walk then with strength and dignity, knowing that through no action of our own the God of the Universe is behind us.

Tonight we had a girls' night: Olive Garden and Starbucks, where we quoted "Emperor's New Groove" like nobody's business and then had the opportunity to share our testimonies with each other. Sitting around that table in the warm Missouri air I could almost feel God's grace around us. Each of our stories was different in a way, but each one there had been gripped mightily by the grace of God. It was just the beginning of some of the truly awe-some things God will do this summer, and I revel in it.

Pray For Us :

1. Continue to pray for unity: again, our team is still learning to know each other and work together, now with the addition of running camp.

2. Pray for wisdom: For some of us, it's the very first week of camp ever; others, their first time staffing; still more us coming back for the 2nd or more year. However, the camp is still new, the students are different and we all need wisdom in leading it and them.

3. Pray for the students: Pray all the knowledge and truth they learn this week will be strongly tempered with grace. Pray a deeper knowledge, and then love, of God will be rooted deep in their hearts.

Spring and Camp Preparation

Spring has once again worked its magic and found a way to cram an event into every nook and cranny of these bi-polar May days. The weather simply refuses to co-operate and rain rapidly chases sunshine away for days at a time, only to give way to the sun again. It doesn't stop, and neither do I. I haven't stopped since April, May is manic. Beach trips, coffee shops, ladies' luncheons, girls' nights, brownie sundae Sunday's, graduations, retirement parties and so goes the circus. Oh, and finals, too. I managed to incorporate Calvin and Hobbes into my psychology final. I was immensely pleased with myself for finding a textbook example of the Pre-operational period in Cognitive Development. Running on a combination of coffee and adrenaline and sugar seems to be par for the course these last 2 weeks. This week, I'm heading full throttle into summer and pulling together all the last minute odds-and-ends before camp on Sunday.

Tonight I decided I would crawl into bed while the family was otherwise occupied and just read. I've been doing a ton of that lately, mostly for school and then because I want to finish all these books before I leave for camp. Otherwise they end up on the I-became-otherwise-occupied-so-abandoned-you-to-remain-forever-here-shelf. Those of you who read undoubtedly have a similar sort of location for those books. I just finished up Unfashionable by Tullian Tchividjian this afternoon and my next stop is Think by John Piper. At the same time I'm trekking my way through 993 pages of glorious fantasy in The Wise Man's Fear. Honestly, this is my favorite item on my "To-Do-Before-Camp" list. I love reading, especially in my backyard with iced coffee and strawberries. (I'm considering making that a part of my daily routine). Another thing on my to-do list is finishing the 5th season of E.R. My friends inform me this is old school, but I love the show and mom and I are trying desperately to finish before I go. Also on the list are important things like packing.....but that's boring, so I won't elaborate.

Sunday morning the sunday school lesson was on Psalm 16- God is for Us. Psalm 16 is one of my favorite Psalms, and I'm going to try and memorize it this summer while I'm away at camp.

"I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.' As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight." (vs. 2-3).

Two things come to mind reading these verses:

Firstly, there comes a point during camp where you truly say "I have no good apart from God"- the point where you're so exhausted emotionally, physically; when you don't want to think through yet another mealtime conversation; where you have such a tendency towards irritability it's obvious any good is not from you. This is not what I want. I want to be able to say I have no good apart from God right now. When my only problems are how to pack my suitcase under 50 lbs and finishing required reading before camp.

Secondly, "saints...in whom is all my delight." I meet a lot of people throughout the course of 8 weeks. Fellow saints. Some I rub shoulders with from 7 am to 11:30 pm for 5 days straight. Those are my students- my girls. The rest are my teammates. We work together all day, every day. Sometimes we rub each other the wrong way. Mostly, though, we learn to work as a team. From the very moment we step onto the Oklahoma Weslyan Campus, it is my prayer that my team sees each other as "excellent ones" in whom to delight.

For the next 8 weeks, then, I will travel all over the East Coast with Worldview Academy. As much as it is possible, I will update you weekly. This will probably be in the form of pictures more than writing, but we'll see. In the meantime, I ask that you would keep the Northeast team in your prayers. We need as much of it as we can get, as it is only God's grace that keeps us running strong for His glory. Here are a few specific things you can be praying for during our first week of staff training:

1. Pray for unity in our team. This first week sets the tone for all 7 weeks of camp and is crucial to developing the sort of team that will encourage, edify, and build up its members.

2. Pray for energy. For all of us it is an adjustment to a non-stop schedule, but for those of us coming from the West Coast (me!), it's also an adjustment to the time zone, which is 2 hrs. ahead of CA.

3. Pray for love. Amidst all the logistics of camp crammed into 4 short days, it's easy to let quiettimes and my desire to love God fall to the wayside. I get so caught up in doing and glorifying I forget I must first love God before I can glorify Him. Pray then, for love, that the faculty and directors and staff would not forget why we have gathered together in the first place.

My room is in turmoil at the moment. Everything needing to be packed is half in my suitcase, half out. I am excited! I am confident God will work marvelously this summer, in Worldview's three teams, in all the students attending camp- and I can't wait to see it. I can't wait to share it with you, thank you for all your prayers!

Speaking of Joy

"...The salt of joy is sorrow, a touch of tears. If we in our present mortal state met joy in her fullness, we would drown in laughter. We would be blinded and struck dumb by gladness and mirth. This may sound a pleasant way to die, but it probably would be undendurable. To be struck by unmanageable shafts of infinite sweetness would quake and crack our being into a billion pieces- it would break our hearts. Thus, instead of being explosive in us, joy is calmed and watered down like a potent wine with a note of gravity, loss, and sorrow."

~Suprised by Laughter: The Comic World of C.S. Lewis by Terry Lindvall (emphasis my own)

Day-to-Day

March 14, 2011

I didn't want to get up this morning. I feel that this is somewhat a common theme among my posts lately, and I apologize, but it is also rather a common theme in my life. I wish it was exclusive to my blog world. I actually went back to bed after being up for an hour and rolled myself into something that looked like a caterpillar, hoping I wouldn't have to wake up until Spring Break started. The alarm cruelly shattered my delusion. I thought if I started listing off all the things I was thankful for in today (which started out something like "Thank you God that I'm breathing and was capable of opening my eyes this morning...") and taking to God everything I wasn't thankful for, I would actually start to be thankful and stop whining. It took about 30 minutes. At that point I was kicking myself for not being joyful because things weren't going my way. I tend to exaggerate when I'm tired, so, for instance, things like tests and speeches=instant death. As I said, exaggeration. I had to stop for a moment and tell my self I wasn't going to die, the day would be over soon enough, and if my hope was anchored firmly in Christ it should not waver because of speech class.

Now it's almost 7 pm and- obviously- I haven't died. Today was actually a really good day. I got a good grade on an exam, got through my speech without forgetting much important, received a wonderful gift from a friend, and got Over-the-Top and Sonic with another. This brings me to God's goodness. I realize that today became a good day and so an easy one for me to be joyful in. It really didn't start out that way, though, and I honestly didn't deserve any of it in the least. I've been reading through Knowing God by J.I. Packer for my Theology 1 class and one of the chapters I read tonight was on God's goodness and severity. Packer is talking about the most prevalent facet of goodness being generosity, and this is what he says:

Generosity means a disposition to give to others in a way which has no mercenary motive and is not limited by what the recipients deserve but consistently goes beyond it. ... Generosity is, so to speak, the focal point of God's moral perfection; it is the quality which determines how all God's other excellencies are to be displayed. ... Theologians of the Reformed school use the New Testament word grace (free favor) to cover every act of divine generosity..." (Packer 162).

It's the 'free favor' part that gets me. Free. Favor. It makes me think of party favors, except you only get the favor if you attend the party. God's grace is not just if you attend the party. It's favor. For free.

March 25, 2011

I love the sound of rain. It's a good thing, because for the past week it has been pouring. I try to think of rain as 'confetti from the sky,' if only because it makes going to school in a downpour a little less....gray. Depressing? Bleak? Wet? Anyways, I still love the sound, especially when I am indoors and warm. The best part, though, is after the storm when everything is green and glittering with the wet and so fresh and alive. After all the oppressive clouting from the rain, the hills still rise triumphant and once-blossomed trees now display fresh coats.

April 15, 2011

41 days until the last day of Freshman year. 43 until camp. *happiness* Mom and Dad got me a book for my birthday, Suprised by Laughter: The Comic World of C.S. Lewis, and as soon as I finish this post I'll go start it. On one of the opening pages a quote stuck out, a defiant one I can only imagine came from a sad man: "If any cleric or monk peaks jocular words, such as provoke laughter, let him be anathema" (Ordinance, Second Council of Constance, 1418). I'm not sure how familiar he was with Psalm 100:1- "Serve the Lord with gladness." It is good to serve God with joy, because if we are not joyful in Him no due glory is given. A thought has been lulling in the back of my brain- God's glory and joy are inextricably intertwined. And if your joy is merely circumstantial, it isn't really glorifying because it's not joy in God, merely joy in the circumstance. And that is another post.

In Review

I'm irritated with myself because I can't seem to think of anything worthwhile to write. Time is going so fast and I want it just stop for a moment. Maybe it's the schizophrenic March weather, but I have a constant feeling of displacement, or being rushed from one day to the next without knowing how. The past three weeks have been pretty full, but looking at my now-rainbow colored planner (here's to highlighting assignments and tests in neon colors!), it was just the calm before the storm.

Here's a brief overview: I spent a full Saturday in SF shopping with my mom and fell madly head-over-heels in love with alpaca fur teddy bears. And gained extra appreciation for Blue-Bottle coffee for keeping me awake and warm as we waited for the ferry that never came. President's day weekend, I flew to WA and visited a dear friend in the minuscule (and I mean minuscule!) town of Yacolt. I'm not sure if I've ever eaten so much in one weekend, but it was a time for firsts: I went clamming and go-carting and thought my fingers were going to fall off after 7 times around the track in the below freezing weather. So much awesome in 3 days! This Tuesday, we celebrated Matthew's 13th birthday- 13!!!- in Tahoe and Mom and I built a snowman almost bigger than me. The rest of life has been mostly study guides, tests, and having fun in the in-between moments.

So if I could bottle up today, I would. I was out late last night with friends, and today was the perfect lazy-day Saturday. Time stopped for a moment, I didn't have anything to do, anywhere to go. I'm looking forward to another week of craziness and praying for the strength to continue to get up out of bed and to keep going hard at school. I don't know if I've ever studied so much in my life, and it makes me laugh when I open my planner and the whole day is a multicolored reminder of everything that's due. I don't know how it's March already. I'm la coiled wire, ready to release as soon as spring arrives (15 days!). Spring makes me crazy, and it's all I can do to breathe in as much of its sunshine as I can.

Right now, though, I'm learning contentment on an hour-by-hour basis. It's peace as I tackle 153 pg notes packages, knowing I'm in a position to be asking for a constant stream of grace. It's enjoying the all-too-short break before I have to re-enter my dungeon of a science lab because- before I know it- the day will be gone, never to be found again. It's turning over all my worries to God as I start to go to sleep and recognizing His plans are not mine. It's reveling in Friday nights with the whole week behind me and the weekend ahead.

Pizza's here, now, and I need to finish coloring my hair- Happy Saturday everyone!